Hey, hey, If you would take a second, take the little sticks out of your head, clean out your ears, and maybe you would see that I'm a person who has feelings, and all I have to do is do what I wanna do and all I want to do is hold on to my bag and not listen to you! And the only way that I would ever let go of my bag would be if you came over here right now and tried to pry it from my dead, lifeless fingers, okay? If you can get it from my kung-fu grip then you can come and have it, okay? Otherwise, step off, bitch.
-Meet The Parents
Today was my least favorite day in a long time! Have you ever had one of those days when you just can't pinpoint whats wrong but you feel like crying at the drop of a hat? Well, that has been my day! First, I was caught a bit off guard by something, and now I am even more broke than I already was.... which is hard to even believe considering how much money I dont have right now! BUT, oh well, trying to find work still and launch this website business to change my luck sooner rather than later. I guess I have just been feeling a bit left out maybe. I feel like I keep trying to spend time with certain people, and they are either always busy or just have no desire to hang out with me. I know a lot of it is because I dont like bars much and a lot of people I know hang out there all the time, so they dont even bother inviting me cause I wouldnt go anyway... but its nice to at least know that the invite is there regardless. I dont know, maybe I am a bit sensitive, but I know I dont treat my friends that way so I dont appreciate it when they do that to me.... I am a lot more considerate of their feelings and make it a point to just 'check in' occassionally so they know I miss them. I am finally getting to the point where I am just going to start spending my time worrying about making myself happy! I apparently dont have any luck making some other people happy so why continue wasting my time right? I went from 250 facebook friends to about 160 in just 2 days.... I was delete happy and just went crazy. And then, I went one step further and deleted about 50 people from my cell phonebook! Haha I mean if you never call me, never respond to my texts or facebook comments, and I never see you- whats the point of being my "facebook friend". I am interested in real friends anyway- not virtual acquaintenances. If you dont care to ever spend time with me, I sure as hell dont want you knowing every bit of my business otherwise! Not to mention certain people feel the need to always tell my ex my life details everytime they run into his hateful ass. He lost the right to know about me and what goes on in my life 3 years ago almost! Move on already!
Sad to say, but I still feel sick sometimes like I did when I had cancer and the intestinal issues from the radiation. I still have nothing that I use to have before I got sick. I am not working yet, so I feel like a prisoner stuck at home all of the time. Dont get me wrong, I love my family, but how the hell should I feel about being 37 years young and never doing anything but staying home and relaxing. I should be out enjoying life with my friends and family, doing things most people my age do and being happy! I am generally really happy for the most part, but lately I feel like the walls are closing in on me! I swore to myself when I got healthy again and beat my illness I was going to enjoy my summer and do a bit of traveling. I thought I owed myself that much at least and after 3 years of being near death time and time again I wanted to experience what it was like to LIVE again. I wanted to celebrate life and the fact that I was given a second chance. Well I have been out of the hospital now since May 1st approximately and I have done nothing. I have no money to even go on a weekend trip- hell, I dont even have the money to go visit my dad in Louisiana and stay for a week. My best friend Jenn has already asked me to go to Costa Rica, Florida, Mexico, Mississippi, Tennessee and now New Orleans..... But instead Labor Day is going to come and go and my happy ass will be doing nothing as usual! Even some of my family is trying to plan a trip to Mexico and instead of me going, I will end up staying here and helping to watch the kids because I dont have the money or means right now to be able to go anywhere. Everything is just a vicious cycle for me right now- need a job and money to get this business launched, need to launch this business asap so I can start earning money, money for a trip, money to buy things I need. I feel stuck and like nothing I do is making any difference. I am running out of ideas and I dont want to lose faith and just give up on this business. I want to be successful at this, I want to have something I can be proud of. I dont want to become a bitter person because I have allowed myself to be miserable and dragged down by all of this! I try and do any odd job I can get my hands on, but even with that, I can barely keep my head above water for long! Sometimes I just want to scream. I pray I will win the lottery, but how can I win when I dont even play! Hell, I dont have the money to waste on bummer tickets to begin with! Unless you are psychic and can tell me where the winning tickets are... if not, I will save my money! Haha I need to stop this pity party- I am only going to drag myself down even more if I keep being mopey and Debbie Downer! What bothers me the most is I am not this person! Normally I can find the positive in ANY situation, and I laugh a lot and make jokes to get through tough times! Guess I let it pile up long enough and today was just my breaking point.... I am sure tomorrow will be a better day- at least I hope so. I cant handle days like this often- maybe 2 a year is my limit!!! Keep thinking positive Jennifer! At least I have my family, a few amazing friends, my dogs (yep, crazy dog lady here), my health and my sense of humor. Thats a lot more than some people have so I am thankful for that!
On to a more positive note, my niece Hayley is here tonight. She brought her art tablet with her, and a book on horses. I am so impressed with her. She has found a real appreciation and love for horses and anything that has to do with horses. She is an amazing artist- for her age especially! She draws and draws and draws and draws some more. I dont see how her little fingers dont cramp up! If she keeps it up and continues to have a passion for art and drawing I think she could really do well at it! I just love that girl!
Another Friday night at home, writing in this blog.... watching tv w the mute button, and sitting here with my IPod on and jammin to some music! George Strait is playing right now! I dont know if that constitutes as "jammin music', but he sure is a badass! I could sing to his music all night long! Since I am not a bar hound, this is actually ok with me. As much as I would like to see my friends and get out of the house, I am content here....
Time to walk my babies one last time before they are in for the night! Sully left me another treat this morning- lucky me! I figured it out though I think- he likes to eat grass lately, and on the days when I catch him eating a lot of it, he leaves me those unwanted gifts the next morning. Maybe grass is a bit like a laxative for a dog maybe? hmmmm, I need to google that and see!
Until next time, love you all! Dream sweet!
We have, in fact, two kinds of morality side by side: one which we preach but do not practice, and another which we practice but seldom preach.
~ Bertrand Russell
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